you typed.. blog

(Thursday, March 25, 2004-)
+10:40 PM]*

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i really do appreciate Mike..

he's my sunshiiiiine. and my feel-better band-aid. he's my morning kiss. i <3 you..

i bought a dress for prom (i'm going with Mike. :-)
it is.. black and white. yeah i know.. i know i didn't want black, but it just fit well. whaddya know? keep your mind open.

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(Wednesday, March 24, 2004-)
+10:26 AM]*

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oh my god... how the hell...??

i hate going dress shopping. we're going again. please, please, please lemme find something that fits (and that isn't black or pink!). Mike, call my cell at lunch.

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(Tuesday, March 23, 2004-)
+10:09 PM]*

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Hey, Mike! I have a king soloman project for you this weekend that I'm sure you will love. Meet me at the place you first met me. Same time. Saturday. Don't bring Rachel!!! HAHAHA

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+6:58 PM]*

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nothing just ever goes right, honestly.

i'm sitting here listening to Karl sobbing about not having his friend Colin over (his only friend.. and his very best friend) for a sleepover. why can't all my problems be to that extent?

i've come to the realization that there aren't any dresses out there that actually fit well. my boobs always fall out. it's really quite distressing. the most beautiful dresses have to be passed by because of my monsterous tits. i love how that works. maybe if i shaved a cup size off or two, i'd be able to fit into something. i just want to look pretty, but you don't want a couple of d's hanging around. AAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHH.

i've managed to mess things up again with Mike.

"get the fuck away from the computer."
well, my dad beckons me away, i better listen.. just in case i get slapped in the head, it won't hurt that much.

bye.

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+10:43 AM]*

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spring break sucks. hehe.
nah. but being at home with siblings does. i hate Matt. hate him. he deleted my email address.. the one i've had for a good 6 years now. he manages to screw up my computer so horribly that it's not even funny. and what? my parents let him get away with it. ARGH!

ah well. it's Tuesday.. what are your children doing? i'm going.......
.....dress shopping.....
::cue scary music::

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(Sunday, March 21, 2004-)
+1:01 PM]*

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drinkin' orange juice.. eating yesterday's leftovers (mm.. Applebees and Mike.)

Mike got a new car!! yay for Mike! visited all of his friends yesterday.. it's good to see him happy. the sound system isn't what we're used to. it's REALLY LOUD and your butt shakes when it's up high. he's doing the import Honda Prelude thing.

yesterday, we went to his friend Shaun's house, went to Jewel to see his friend Rob, went to Justin's house (did a e-brake turn in the "caldy-sak"), and drove to say HIII to Ryan, his good ole mischief buddy. we saw Carlos "it's gus junior" yesterday. lol. him and his friend were outside of the Esquivel residence and Mike kinda scared them. lol. all of us were confused.

the weather is beautiful.. which is good.... and the way Spring Break should be. :-)

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(Saturday, March 20, 2004-)
+9:18 AM]*

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new layout.. maybe it will be a change for the best.

:-)

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(Wednesday, March 17, 2004-)
+9:00 PM]*

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oh, by the way.. fighting with your mom isn't a fucking big deal. it isn't and shouldn't be your biggest problem. being second chair and wanting first chair in band isn't a real problem either. being dumped by your boyfriend isn't a big one either.

stop feeling f*cking sorry for yourself. wait a good 10 years and compare the problems that you have then with the ones you have now. that's my reality.

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+8:56 PM]*

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i've been really beating up on myself lately. and my dad just confirms it to make me feel worse.

i don't think i want to wake up tomorrow morning. or tomorrow at all. like it matters though. like anyone besides Mike reads this.. i wish i wasn't alone, and i wish i wasn't faced with this burden. i wish i could tell someone, and have them help me. i wish my mom would know. i wish someone cared enough to ask about what's wrong.. and when i tell them, they'll still have love for me. it just shouldn't be like this.

i found myself in the kitchen, thinking about taking a bunch of pain killers. before i realized it, i popped 7 pills and three hours later, i haven't felt their effect. i wish things in my life could be as perfect as other people's lives seem to be. i wish someone would see through the screen i'm putting up..

the sun is being covered up by my raincloud.. and there's no way for it to go away. i try to kill it, but it's still there.. covering my future and blackening my reality. i find myself forgetting about it and then coming back and realizing that it's there.

god.. you might have let your Son be brutally tortured, but i'm not that strong. please just stop the pain before it gets worse.

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(Sunday, March 14, 2004-)
+10:50 AM]*

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oops

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+10:48 AM]*

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goldie_phiish

Feeder Goldfish

Agility
10

Strength
10

Stamina
5

Battle Rating
25

Origins
goldie_phiish was hatched from an ancient egg, uncovered in the arctic

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+10:06 AM]*

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we'll be ok, Mike. i promise. i know where you are and i'm thinking about you. we're ok, you're safe. i'm your cheerleader, your support and your personal body guard. i'm on your side. you're a beautiful person, and i love you.

i love you.

Mike, i truly love you.

i'm HERE, there.. everywhere for you.

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+7:25 AM]*

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OK... it's sunday morning.. 7:30ish. i'm worried out of my mind where Mike is... no phone call, no email, no responce here. i'm scared. please.. please. where are you?

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(Saturday, March 13, 2004-)
+10:16 PM]*

# -

ok.. yeah. alone.

my hair looks... no different.

thanks for calling me and coming over, Mike. i see where i stand.

i love you, still though.

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+9:45 PM]*

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here's something we need to get out into the open.

it's not your fault for wanting to keep things hidden. there's nothing wrong with not wanting everybody and their grandma to know passionate details about you. you should share them with whom you please... my personal secret holder is Mike. date who you want, date who you like, love whom you must because.. guess what? it's your life! mistakes are learned the best through not another person, but through your own life's experiences. just realize that you are never alone; there's always someone that will catch you when you fall. a true, lasting friendship is durable and it shares a common tie of respect. word to the wise...don't blow things out of proportion all the time. drama isn't fun. it's stressful and frankly, not at all attractive. sometimes change is good. share truly how you feel about a person and that lightens a situation tremendously.

people still love you... trust me.

if anyone needs to talk, i'm here.

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(Saturday, March 06, 2004-)
+11:56 PM]*

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i'm one of those kids who sits in English class and reads through the literature book, even when we don't have to. i admit it.

bridal shower today for Cousin Amanda. she's so pretty and nice. Dan is so ... nice. his mom looks like a model.

no comment on band.

i've decided that Axle, my Jack Russell terrier (think Wishbone.. or the dog from "The Mask" w/ Jim Carey) is one of my best friends in the world. there's something almost stupid about the way this dog is so.. human. he looks up at you with those big brown eyes and you want to give him all the spaghetti-o's he wants. he has a stub-tail that looks like it's gonna fall off when he wags it too hard.

after the bridal shower, my dad took the Kids on a grand tour of "When i was a kid...". he grew up in the slums.. the "white ghetto" on Halsted. he's come a long way, hasn't he? i hope i go far too. it really kind of hit me.. when my parents die, will i know half of what they experienced in their lifetime? if i don't, i'd be missing out on alot of stuff. my mom was so beautiful when she was younger.. she traveled everywhere.. almost became a perfume model in a commercial. and now they have us. all of us. and Axle. *sigh* growing old seems sad, but i suppose the memories you make when you are young make up for everything. what exactly is the definition of "old"?

i haven't done this in awhile, i know, but i'm going to leave you with a wise, notable piece of advice that you will remember for the rest of your life:
the most beautiful thing you could do for a person is just say something kind. anything. be it a little "you look amazing"or an "i love you", kind words make a strong relationship (and that guarantees you MANY gifts at your bridal shower. :-D ).

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(Thursday, March 04, 2004-)
+3:39 PM]*

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the wind blows furiously
making things just impossible to bear
this is for all the times when falling asleep won't cure
what ails you.
i become lost in the moment
in your smile. your eyes glow with golden promises,
green secrets.
its hard opening up when the
world has slammed you shut.
it makes me sick, but please know
i'm trying so hard.
my mission in life includes the promise of a potentially better
tomorrow, a better morning and a more
intimate existance.
i'll be your brace, as well as your embrace.
please add me into the equation as
i try and reduce the tension and the bad times
from the future.
fill up your lungs with the crisp air of reason and breath
a sigh of relief when you realize i'd catch you when
you'd fall.

i fell off the bus today.. landed on the bad side. i have come to the conclusion that the best piano players have a way of playing that makes it look like their fingers aren't really touching the keys. just dancing.....

there are some people you like being around because it makes you happy to see two people so... submersed in love. i don't hang out with them.. nor do i really talk to them, but they're a sight to see. it makes you realize that love does feel good.. that love is the completion of life and will happen to the people who want it. for you two.. and for all the other readers that are in love (or hope to be ^_^) just realize how good it feels. trying times happen.. but that is what makes the beautiful times just so amazing.

please God.. if you were to ever help me out in any way, or to listen to me.. please listen now. you know what hurts, so please help me heal it. i don't want it to be this way. i want to be happy.

happy Thursday. one more week until the opera.

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